This being Sunday, and me being the First Speaker of the Doctrine of Universal Harmony, I thought I’d give a sermon today on morals, focused on those as displayed by conservatives in general and the Republican Party as a whole. I’ve heard a LOT about Republican morals. I mean, they talk and talk and talk about how moral they are and conversely, how IMMORAL the Democrats are. I’d like to check that. I’m not going to pay much attention to the words they use. People can – and commonly will – lie. But people also tend to live their morals, right? So, let’s pay less attention to the words they can string together and pay more attention to what they do, positions they support, shall we?

To start with, it has long-since become crystal clear that conservatives abandoned the values of Jesus years ago. They have absolutely NO use for the teachings nor examples brought by Jesus. Apparently, He’s kind of a bleeding heart snowflake. They keep pretending He’s important to them so it’s hard to say exactly how long ago they turned their backs on him, but think back to when they all decided the Ten Commandments should be in every courtroom in the country. Right around then, they began embracing more eye-for-an-eye, Jewish law stuff. But the Ten Commandments are still pretty good moral guidance, right? Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t kill. Good rules, all. So let’s use the Ten Commandments.

Well, five. The Five Commandments. I mean, let’s face it, the first five are really just kind of a whiny, insecure God commanding that you can’t like anybody better, ever. He should probably get some counseling. That kind of insecurity can really eat at you, you know? Put you in a real smiting mood. And it could be dangerous. What if, say, the self-described “jealous God” got all upset about something and, in an uncontrollable emotional outburst, wiped out all of human kin—? Oh. Sorry, that’s really a different topic. I didn’t mean to digress…

Back to the subject at hand, Republican morals. Okay, so people are people and some are going to commit adultery but I’m not focused on individual actions so much as what the larger group does and so far, I haven’t seen ALL Republicans endorse…Oh, crap. I forgot about cheatin’ Donny. Cheated on his first wife. They don’t care. Cheated on his second wife. They don’t care. Cheated on his third wife. They don’t care. Based on their actions, I’d say Republicans are a-okay with adultery. One Commandment gone. (I thought I was starting with an easy one…)

How about Thou shalt not bear false witness, also called lying. We’re considering their actions, here, and not their words because lying is all they know how to do. They lie about everything, all the time. They CAN’T win on fact so they try to win on fiction. It doesn’t work but they lie about that, too. THEN they lie about lying about the lie. I can’t even give them half-credit for that one so now we’re at two of the five in the dust bin.

Thou shalt not steal? Sure, I hear them scream (see the previous paragraph) but at every turn, it’s Republicans trying to steal elections. THEY rig them. THEY make rules barring people they don’t want voting (because they’ll vote Democrat). THEY gerrymander. THEY want and make rules in which Republicans and Republicans, alone, get to decide which votes “count.” I see THAT as stealing and NOBODY does it better – or more aggressively. But if you can’t make the leap to a metaphorical theft, they’re in full-throat support of letting Donny get away with his fraud, for which he has ALREADY been convicted. Fraud is direct theft AND lying, so they get a two-fer on that one. Three down.

There are only five of these things and they’re 0-3, so far. At best, they might make 40% of the Five Commandments if they can just keep the last two. Let’s find out.

Not covet? Are you kidding? Conservatives are driven by coveting. Money, mostly, but coveting is coveting and they fail that one, too. They want what Donny pretends to have. They want it bad. They also, always, covet bigger guns. Zero for four. That’s pretty embarrassing, yes? At this point, the best they can do will be supporting only 20% of the Five Commandments. I shouldn’t do this, but if they only embrace one Commandment, I’ll still give them credit – and they’ve still got the biggie; no killing.

No, no they don’t. They go back a LONG way with their willingness to kill if they don’t get what they want. The American Civil War was all about slavery, of course, but it only happened because conservatives were angry at not getting their way. They killed over 600,000 Americans over it.

But more recently, remember back when someone was mailing military-grade Anthrax to various Democrats? That guy (the chief suspect, anyway), Bruce Ivans, turned out be a conservative. He took personal responsibility for his actions by committing suicide with, of all things, Tylenol. Why he didn’t use Anthrax, like he chose for others, I’ll never know…

During Covid, cons killed their aging parents and grand-parents by the thousands in order to make a political point. When thinking people tried to get them to consider someone besides themselves, they actually laughed out loud and dismissed such concerns with words like “co-morbidities.” “Oh, those old people shouldn’t have been old. It’s their own fault!” Then, they refused to cooperate and killed tens of thousands of people. They continue to make jokes about Covid defenses to this day.

Now they’re back to mailing stuff, in this case, Fentanyl-laced envelopes to election workers, hoping to maybe, God willing, kill a few of them. There is a belief out there the actual phrasing of the Commandment was ‘Thou shalt not murder’ as opposed to kill. Based on the number of hits God orders in the Bible, I’d guess the word was actually murder, not just kill. But the cons have murdered and would be murdering more people if they could just make it work. Hammer to the head, anyone?

So there are five relevant Commandments they pretend to believe and they don’t live any of them. They praise adultery and covet wealth. They lie – ALL the time. They certainly steal and, God help us, they’ll kill, for real, just to make a political point. I should add, I know they say the exact same things about Democrats and progressives. The difference is, I can point to very specific, well-known examples as evidence. They can only report pretend events – that cannot be verified – they heard about from their third cousin’s, ex-wife’s, brother-in-law’s uncle’s friend.

I’ll tell you this: It seems pretty clear to me that the words ‘Republican’ and ‘Morals’ have no place in the same sentence…amen.