It’s always his mouth, isn’t it? Well, no. Apparently, sometimes it’s his fingers but MOST of the time, it’s his own, awful mouth that gets him in trouble. This one has a ‘coming-home-to-roost’ feel, though. In the NY fraud case in which Donny inflates and deflates values depending on how his answers affect him financially, one of the things that seems to bother him the most (weirdly, really) is that, officially, his Florida not-a-home-because-he-swore-it-wouldn’t-be is worth $18- to $21-million dollars. That’s in the record.

He is SO obsessed with that one point, it caused him to write one of his biggest hits, the classic, ‘Mar-a-Lago Worth A Lot!’ He does it at every show, without fail. Of course, like many of his standards, it’s an epic and wandering bit. By now, we all know the chorus:
  ’Mar-a-Lago, worth ten times!
  I be hassled by those Slimes!
  It sell fast, 1 point 8 billion!
  Who knows? Maybe more, a trillion?’

Yeah, catchy. The thing is, the value of Mar-a-Lago is set by the county assessor’s office based on, you know, an assessment… and, apparently, a bit of negotiation between the county and the property owner – Donny – who actually got the county to lower their original assessment. It lowered his property tax, you see. EXACTLY what he’s being charged with in New York. The point is, Mar-a-Lago is officially valued at $18 – $21 million dollars but he keeps insisting, based on his muse, I guess, that it’s worth $1.8 Billion, minimum.

But that’s not the story I wanted to tell you…

The story I wanted to tell you involves his OTHER New York civil trial, in which he’s already been found responsible for raping Ms. Carroll. THAT one inspired an entire concept album that gave us a string of hits, including ‘E. Jean is Not My Lover,’ ‘I Never Even Knew Her’, ‘Not My Type,’ and ‘Isn’t That Marla?’ Of course, ‘Isn’t That Marla?’ isn’t as well known outside certain circles. For MY money, though, it was the ‘B’ side, ‘Unfortunately…or Fortunately,’ that sold that record. But I digress.

As you no doubt recall, the ruling in the E. Jean Carroll defamation trial was made a long, long time ago. He was ordered to pay $5 million dollars in damages. His minions coughed that up in about 20 minutes, though, so he didn’t give two figs. ”Please support Trump. He needs your help to win back the White House. Stop Joe Biden! MAGA! (Please make your checks out to the New York State Unified Court System, Attn: E. Jean Carroll.”)

Of course, he ran right out and started in on her again. So, she sued him again. Now the court is trying to decide how much is enough to shut this guy’s vicious, flapping maw once and for all. Donny’s team tried to downplay the damages and pretend she wasn’t harmed, so everybody should just forget the whole thing and go home. E. Jean Carroll’s team made their case that this guy is worth a LOT so the disgorgement needed to be substantial or he won’t even feel it and, therefore, won’t stop. TO that end, they presented, to the jury, Donny’s claims that Mar-a-Lago is worth $1.8 billion dollars. This is for deciding punitive damages, the “punishment” part.

Frankly I enjoyed watching Carroll’s team use Donny’s own lying words against him. I enjoyed seeing his braggadocio come back to bite him, rather than impressing everyone with how rich he is. I once wrote in these pages that I would like to see the county assessor’s office send him a letter telling him they’ve decided to use HIS valuation so here is the new property tax amount along with the back taxes he owes for shortfalls in the past. Mine was just a fantasy. Carroll’s team made it real. I laughed out loud.

When all is said and done, Donny has been ordered to pay $83.3 million dollars in damages. No, that’s wrong. The minions need to cough up $83.3 million dollars. Donny can’t be expected to pay. He’s got a writer to defame…