I just saw a headline, “Election of Donald Trump Could Put World’s Climate Goals at Risk.” Gee, ya think? That head was too long. Here, let me fix if for them: “Election of Donald Trump Could Put World At Risk.” See? Better…

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I was raised in a pretty religious household. Each Sunday, we were dragged off to church where we attended Sunday School and we were administered spoonfuls of the most digestible bits of theology. We got, ‘Jesus Loves the Little Children.’ For some reason, they didn’t tell us about the guy who had his lover chopped into pieces and spread around his kingdom – for doing exactly what he told her to do. They didn’t even mention the time, no, two times, daughters get their daddies drunk and then sex him up – in three-ways, no less. Even Pornhub won’t give you ‘Daddy and his two daughters’ videos, thank the gods. For that, you need the Bible.

We DID know that God had led the Jews out of bondage and into the “promised land.” They just left out the part where God ALSO told the Jews that the land was theirs – and all they had to do was kill every man, woman, and child already living there. That was God, kicking off the ultimate cage match. Oh, what a prankster! God’s cage match that is still playing out today. In fact, it looks like Netanyahu is determined to win, once and for all.

As a sidebar: More and more, I think Biden is obligated by treaty to supply arms to Israel. He just sent more weapons. He’s ALSO supplying humanitarian aid to Palestine. Helping Gazans survive an apparent genocide attempt is a good thing. Supplying the weapons of that attempted genocide? Not so much. I suspect this is going to be huge in the upcoming election if he can’t figure something out. But that’s not what I’m writing about right now.

We got the bit about Jesus rising from the dead, too, of course. It’s the whole basis of Christianity, the resurrection of Jesus. Now, I knew all about zombies, but this seemed…different. There are NO Biblical mentions of Jesus craving brains that I know of. There are precious few examples of Christians using their brains at all, in fact. Well, except to steal. “We’ll put in a good word with Jesus for you. Better leave twenty bucks.” Just like Jesus would have wanted, right?

Speaking of which, have you bought one of the CheetoJesus’ Bibles? I don’t know when he jumped on board with those. Apparently, Lee Greenwood has been selling them for awhile. I hear (but haven’t verified) that the most commonly mentioned feature in the reviews of these Bibles on the website is “sticky.” That’s just weird. Donny just got on board recently. He gets a cut but the Bible hawking isn’t going to solve his money problems. (His website is, apparently.)

Anyway, Jesus dies, lays around for three days, then gets back up. Well, according to the story. I’ve always been bothered that the only “witnesses” had financial interests in keeping the Jesus story alive, even if he wasn’t anymore. But that’s just me. He tells everyone that he’ll be back, ascends into the sky, and nobody has seen or heard from him since.

Now, to be clear, there are many, many people who will TELL you they just saw him. “Ooh, you JUST missed him. He was right here. Better leave twenty bucks.” Apparently, Jesus is really good at helping you find your keys or get a better grade on a test but not so much on ending poverty or wars.

But we don’t call this day, ‘Zombie Day.’ We call it ‘Easter.’ It DOES have a nicer ring to it, yes? No church would miss that. Churches are, after all is said and done, marketing outlets. They KNOW how to sell – and sell they do. I doubt they would have gone with ‘Zombie Day,’ even if they had known what a Zombie was. Negative connotations, you know…

When Christianity was trying to spread it’s message, one of the tricks they used was to overlay “Christian” holidays on top of other, existing holidays. So, for Easter, we get a risen-from-the-dead Zombie alongside a sentient bunny who, for reasons of his own, dyes eggs and hides them – so that we can be assured of God’s love. Don’t ask. Eat your chocolate. Oh, and, you’d better leave twenty bucks.

Tomorrow is ‘April Fool’s Day.’ That seems appropriate to me, somehow. But today? Today is Easter. Enjoy your chocolate and jelly beans. Don’t eat too many eggs. Head off to church and sing a few hymns to Jesus. Oh, and you’d better leave twenty bucks…

Happy Easter! However you celebrate, I hope you enjoy the day! After the way I worded my message, I can see how one might not believe the sentiment. I do. Just because *I* don’t buy it doesn’t mean YOU can’t buy it… So, really, Happy Easter!